Lace and no shame! - by Niki
Lace and no Shame – at Race the Train
After suffering the gutting announcement from Lou at 6.15 on Saturday morning that she wasn’t coming on this gig, I was committed to a weekend away with 3 dodgy blokes and a van.
“Well, as there’s only 4 of us now, we might as well all sleep in the van” Andy announced.
“I’ll reserve judgement and keep my tent.” I replied.
It was the first time I had been in the back of Grubby’s passion wagon and it turned out to be almost disappointingly free of squalor. However, I had heard he’d had 4 little helpers to clean it the preceding day. Only one thing for it, Dick, Ian and I would have to try and scuss it up. An opportunity for this presented itself sooner than I thought.
“Ooh, look at all these exciting cupboards. What’s in here?” I enquired, opening an overhead cubby-hole. Next thing I knew Ian and I were being assaulted by flying nuts, rehydrated pasta sachets, tins of salmon and some two minutes noodles.
“Oh for God’s sake. Control yourself woman.” spat Andy.
“Are you upset I’ve discovered your secret, sordid eating habits – I mean 2 minute noodles Andy. How can you eat that and maintain any self respect?”
Ian was taking an active interest in the cashew nuts which had conveniently fallen onto his lap. “Yum, very nice Andy, thanks”.
Meanwhile, Dick was engaged in more cerebral pursuits – with head buried firmly in the Independent crossword. Dismissing us as philistines, dim-wits and general wasters, Dick soon gave up asking for assistance with clues, and continued with his solo project.
After 3 or 4 hours of travelling, we arrived in Tywyn with a couple of hours to spare before the race. Piling into a tea shop, I ordered baked beans on toast. This was met with snorts of derision from my fellow competitors. “What’s the problem?” I enquired.
“How can you eat baked beans just before a race?” they asked
“Like this” I exclaimed – tucking in. However, retrospectively I have to concede it wasn’t really a good idea. My guts felt like Helmand Province for whole of the race and for two days afterwards.
The evil moment came when it was time to don our Harrier vests and try to do our club justice by shuffling round as best we could.
The conditions were reasonably clement, apart from a strong headwind on the return. It was 14 miles of pleasant running, with the first half mainly flat off-road, and the second half much more Grubby-pleasing and mud-infested, on uneven cambered, single-file, goat tracks. I did try some Grubby off-road manoeuvres which made me about as popular as Kate Moss at a Weight Watchers convention. I resolved to wait until more open ground before over-taking rather than elbowing fellow competitors off the grass bank.
I did look round a couple of times, waiting to be overtaken by Ian, Dick and Grubby. This didn’t happen. I assumed this didn’t happen because they’d either started in front of me, or had overtaken me without my noticing. However, at the finish the trio were no-where to be seen. I could not believe I could consume a plate of baked beans an hour before the start and beat them all – then again, maybe the propelling power of the beans did the trick.
Dick was only a couple of minutes behind me. Ian followed 10 minutes later, also claiming bad stomach problems (and he only had the carrot cake – so poor excuse methinks), and Andy 8 minutes after Ian – claiming excuses too numerous to list here – but the old Achillies chesnut was definitely in there.
Dick had a fabulous run and it was great to see him back on form – he’s back where he should be – basically worrying everyone by clicking at their heels – and often overtaking and beating them. Well done Dick!
Ian received a very sympathetic text from Gareth Jones when he saw the results on the blog “Beaten by Niki, and Dick – oh the shame!”
Unfortunately the much anticipated post race clean up had been a somewhat underwhelming, dispiriting and less than satisfying experience for the men. They had poised themselves optimistically underneath the shower in anticipation of some water enveloping them. Grubby even went all the way and turned the tap on. However, they had the déjà vu experience of last year – a shower with the velocity of an ant urinating.
As my fellow Harriers were less than fragrant, I thought it wise not to inflict them on the general public for a night out in Tywyn. Therefore, we strolled over to the local Co-op and Dick purchased sufficient ingredients for me to cook dinner for us all. Ian was in charge of buying the booze, and as there were no Juniors present, and no need to give the club a veneer of respectability, he bought well, shed loads.
We drove to the campsite and a fine display of gender stereotyping was acted out. The 3 blokes pulled and poked and hammered away at various bits of canvas (the awning to the Grubmobile – which apparently we were all eating and sleeping in). I fired up the gas stove in the Grubmobile and set to work chopping random vegetables. Judging by the size of Andy’s pans, it was very obvious, that despite his reputation, he does very little entertaining in his passion wagon. Or maybe he does – he just doesn’t feed them. Anyway, his pans were embarrassingly, pitifully small and were banished to the outer reaches of the vehicle whilst I used my own.
“Niki, I’ve forgotten to bring a spare pair of undies. Do you have any I could borrow?” Andy enquired.
“Well, yes, I do as it happens, but wouldn’t you rather, well, you know, ask one of the other men?”
Ian pipes up “I have two pairs of boxers Andy. Here – would you like to borrow one of these?”
Andy replies “I think I’ll take Niki’s”
“Well, OK Andy if you insist. I have a Lowe Alpine wicking thong (given to me as a present by an ex-boyfriend who owns an outdoor gear shop), or a white lacy job”
“The wicking thong doesn’t look very supportive. I’ll take the lacy number.”
And the transaction was complete. Ian has photographic evidence of Andy proudly displaying his cross-dressing abilities, but I have decided against publishing them here, on the grounds of taste and decency.
Making the dinner was becoming increasingly difficult for the following reasons:
a) The wheat beer Ian had purchased was going down rather too fast – well, running 14 miles is very dehydrating – one needs to rehydrate.
b) I couldn’t get over the worrying sight of Andy in my knickers
c) Even my pans weren’t large enough for the quantity of pasta sludge goo I was making
When the awning was completed by the 3 men, there was a little enclosed tent within the tent – the Annexe as I called it. This was to be where I would sleep. I think Dick or Andy called it (ironically obviously) the “Princess’s Palace”. At least it would keep the spiders off me. I had endured a nasty experience the preceding day when a spider the size of well, a very big spider ran across my living room floor. Being brave and stoical, I stood on a chair with my mobile, phoned my boyfriend at work and told him to come home immediately as there was a catastrophic emergency that he needed to deal with. On arriving home, he was less than impressed that this emergency could be dealt with by a pint glass, a postcard and an open window.
Somehow, through a haze of wheat beer and unfortunate apparitions of Andy wearing lace underwear, I managed to feed 3 men and me.
I think we all had a fantastic time. Anyone considering it next year – should go – it’s a top class event. I can’t promise to cook for you though.
My undies were returned to my flat on Monday, packaged in a brown, unsealed envelope, and handed to me by my boyfriend when I arrived home from work.
“Um, well, Rick, it’s er. like this. No, I’m not going to explain. Thank you very much. I will return them to the drawer.”
You know that Toot Toot sound a train makes, well, of course, modesty would prevent me from saying that I beat all the blokes in Race the Train…
Toot, toot!
Times:
Niki – 1.59.05
Dick – 2.02.14
Ian – 2.12.29
Andy – 2.19.18
Thanks for a great report Niki, If any members would like to comment or ask questions about this report - it can also found on the bulletin board:
http://chepstowharriers.org.uk/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=26&t=610&p=6146#p6146
This entry was posted on 23/08/2009 at 06:22 pm and is filed under Races. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.
