3 Chepstow Harriers and a Human Coat Hanger go mad at Mendip Muddle
11/10/2009 by Niki.
I’ve taken an overdose. I’m not running tomorrow” announced Andy C
“Isn’t that a bit of a drastic measure to ensure I don’t beat you?” I suggested.
“I accidentally overdosed on anti-inflams, plus my achillies in painful. If you don’t like my excuses, I have others.”
“The overdose is sufficiently inventive and dramatic thanks.”
Matthew, looking worrying fit and hyperactive, approached the chip fat van at the Leisure Centre, armed with some very tasty looking chocolate chip and raison flapjacks (made by team Vanessa and Reubin). After the Black Mountains and Bagel-gate, I was mentally prepared for this. I thought I would try and be especially nice and ingratiating to Matthew in the hope he’d offer me one either before or after the race, and I wouldn’t be forced into unseemly begging. Gerry arrived looking alarmingly cheerful, smiley and happy. I didn’t want to squash his effervescent demeanour by pointing out that he was about to do something very unpleasant, in the wind and driving rain for 13 miles. We piled in the chip fat van with our injured driver and sole supporter – Mr Creber.
“This wet stuff coming out of the sky. This wasn’t forecast until 4 pm. I haven’t got the right footwear, I’m wearing the wrong vest, and quite frankly it’s unacceptable.” I whined.
Half an hour before the start, there were more changes in the chip van than in your average Milan Fashion Show. It quickly became apparent that we’d all got too much technical kit and were boringly obsessing about which particular garment would provide optimum performance. We decided the 3 of us could wear whatever we liked, and we’d use Andy as a human coat hanger on the way round. Surprisingly he acquiesced to this blatant p*ss taking. Perhaps he wasn’t thinking straight – what with the overdose and the disappointment of not running in a mud infested bog for 13 miles.
So to the start – where Andy saw us off – armed with a rather large, and slightly girlie plastic umbrella – which quite frankly I found a bit wet. I mean this is Grubby – who prides himself in wallowing in mud and large puddles. What was he doing cowering under a bit of plastic to escape a couple of dribblettes of water. Pathetic.
Matthew took position at the front – or near it – or a long way in front of me and Gerry anyway. I optimistically positioned myself ahead of Gerry – employing mind tactics. He overtook me after about 20 yards. Conditions were not clement – although I think I’ve already mentioned that. In fact, it p*ssed it down all the way round. However, that did not deter the steely contingent of male Chepstow Harriers – all 2 of them, and Andy was trying his best to look steely under the plastic umbrella, with various discarded bits of sodden kit hanging off him.
The course was as fabulous as I remembered from last year – only last year there was the added bonus of unbroken sunshine, and dry conditions. A few miles in there were some stiles, and as it was early on, there was a bit of a queue. I tried to practise a state of zen-like calm, employing a mantra of “look at all this lovely scenery, and isn’t it a perfect opportunity to have a bit of a rest and recoup some energy, whilst waiting at this stile”, which was effective for 2 nanoseconds. The rest of the time I thought “Oh for f***’s sake – get a bl**dy move on, you slow, ponderous Jessies.” I did try to vault over one fence – following the bold lead of the guy in front – and promptly banged my knee really hard. Karma I thought – serves me right for being so impatient and having such grossly uncharitable thoughts about my fellow competitors. I ran with a limp for the next mile.
There were some slightly rocky bits near the start too – which led to more ponderous, pussy-footing around and intense irritation.
After about 5 miles, I came across Gerry who I thought I’d lost forever – well, until the end of the race at least. He looked very strong and fit and was still smiling – which I found worrying. He’s obviously enjoying it I thought, and this smiling business will mean that he’s obviously got some reserves of energy. I overtook him, and thought – oh well, he can overtake me when he decides to unleash these hidden reserves. I wasn’t going to be using up any precious energy by making congenial facial gestures – this is a fight to the death I thought.
There followed a bit of running in the woods, which was pleasant and it wasn’t so noticeable that it was p*ssing down and howling a hoolie. I had jettisoned my windproof on the obliging human coat-hanger about 3 miles in, so was a bit worried about on-set hypothermia – not that I’m given to melodrama.
After what seemed like a long time – 1 hour and 35 minutes, to be precise – I thought “that Matthew character will have finished now, and I still have 2 miles to go. He’ll be smugly tucking into his 5th chocolate chip flapjack and be sat in the warm chip van having nice chats with Andy about how he was in top 20 finishers”. At this low point, I reached for a gel to give me the oomph to get a shift on and get finished so that there would still be a flapjack left for me when I got back to the van.
At the finish, I realised that Gerry was about 10 seconds behind me – I’m amazed he didn’t go for the sprint finish to burn me off. Very gallant Gerry – thank you.
Matthew was 20th overall, and 7th MV40 – fantastic running Matthew!
Gerry and I were about 1 hour 50 minutes – both of us feeling like we’d had a decent run. I beat my time last year by about 4 minutes so I thought I might be getting old, grey and wizened, and more bad tempered, but at least I’m not getting slower – just yet.
All being cold and wet, our thoughts turned very quickly to drying off. I had brought along a brand new cuddly otter as a mascot for the race and he was resting in the van.
“How absorbent is your otter Niki? I think I’ve forgotten my towel” Gerry quipped.
After a long, luxurious shower back at race HQ – I heard the distinctive tones of Andy – disconcertingly emitting from inside the Ladies.
“There’s a cup of tea here for Miss Morgan” he bellowed.
Thanks Andy – for embarrassing me out of the shower in front of a shower block full of women! I wasn’t even drying my hair or applying make-up so I can’t possibly have been in there longer than one hour.
We hung around for what seemed (to the blokes anyway) an eternity before the prize-giving ceremony commenced.
“If you haven’t won a prize Niki – we’ll all be really p*ssed off with you. It will mean we could have all b*gg*d off home an hour ago” pointed out Matthew in his inimitable style.
Fortunately, I won the Female Vet 40 prize – a nice memorial trophy and a very useful free gym membership to somewhere about 100 miles away from Chepstow – I swapped it for some beer. The organiser looked shocked when I asked for the beer – he said, wouldn’t you rather have this yoghurt, and “is this beer for you?”
“Too chuffing right it’s for me” I thought.
I did fleetingly consider giving Matthew, Gerry and Andy one each as a reward for their patience, but – as I say, it was a fleeting thought.
Fantastic race, fantastic organisation, fantastic prizes, and the company wasn’t bad.
by Niki
